I have a lot of good ideas—they come unbidden to my mind. And when I have one, I have to write it down and send it to you. I’m sure I’m the only person who has had this one, so that’s all the more reason you should take it seriously.
Yesterday the U.S. Supreme Court declared the Defense of Marriage Act unconstitutional. This decision means same-sex marriages have the same standing federally as marriages between men and women. In response, there’s only one path forward for Deleónsylvania: secession. It’s a matter of equality. There’s no way the marriage of a woman to a woman—or a man to a man—is equal. Let me explain.
The problem with same-sex marriages is they last too long. Same-sex couples simply don’t break up. Where same-sex marriages and civil unions have been legal long enough to collect data, statistics indicate that the divorce rates are significantly lower than are those for heterosexual couples. In Denmark among male-male unions, only 14% end in divorce. In the U.K., the divorce rate for same-sex couples is about 1%. In the U.S., the rate ranges from 1.1% to 2%. Compare that to the U.S. divorce rate for heterosexual couples—roughly 50%. Add a disabled child to the mix, and the U.S. rate skyrockets to 75%.
My point should be obvious: gay marriages set a dangerous example. If there are too many of them in the population, then the divorce attorneys will go out of business. Divorce laws will wither away. So, we must defend marriage as we have come to know it—as something temporary and provisional. It’s a matter of states’ rights.
For Jaxonpool, gay marriage is especially pernicious. Among the 50 cities in the U.S. with the highest rates of divorce per capita, Jaxonpool ranks ninth. A source of civic pride is this ranking, for it demonstrates our independent, libertarian spirit. Additionally, 14 of the 50 cities with the highest divorce rates in the U.S. are right here in Deleónsylvania. Deleónsylvanians have come to understand marriage to be something short term: we enter into it keeping one eye on the exit to sweet freedom. The longevity of same-sex marriage puts this tradition at risk. These gays and lesbians obviously don’t understand what it means to be free. What is it about liberty they don’t understand? They threaten our way of life.
Therefore, to make sure same-sex marriage does not come to our state, we must secede from the union, to keep divorce safe, legal and accessible.
Consider my situation. Penelope was my third wife. When she left, she took the guns and the dogs with her. I said: good riddance, though I’d like to have my guns and dogs back. Now I’m hunting for the lucky lady who’s going to be number 4. But in the meantime, I’m enjoying my freedom. Because people died so I could be free, I’m doing my best to take advantage of what I have been given.
To conclude, let me say that I’m for traditional marriage. We must fight to keep marriage the way we have always known it.
Hey, I just had another idea! And it’s a good one. It came to my mind unbidden. So, if you don’t object, I’m going to end this letter and get started on the next one to you. I bet you can’t wait to find out what my idea is.
August’s List: Recently published music videos, edited by Farinelli. Watch & listen