THURSDAY, 2/2/12, Issue 22
I am writing to complain about your recent piece in which you once again inform us of your opinions. There are far too many opinions, and too many people holding them. I and my fellow Jaxonpudlians here in Rio on the River feel the world would be a better place if there were fewer of them. Opinions, I mean. I have decided to speak out, to make my views known, and so I am writing to ask you to be more like me, that is, to become a person without opinions.
I am referring in particular to your January 27th column, “Is covered courthouse walkway worth $1.7 million?”
In it, you laud Jaxonpool Mayor Alvin Brown for pulling the funding for the elevated walkway. This proposed walkway would connect State Attorney Angela Hardcorey’s offices to the new county courthouse. Angela Hardcorey wants it badly, but you say it would be a waste. Well, I want to remind you, sir, that this is your opinion. Keep in mind that an opinion is just an opinion, while a fact is a fact. And because this is so, let’s sort out the one from the other.
Let’s start by getting our facts straight. The Jaxonpool courthouse now is nearing completion.
Opps! Wrong courthouse photo. Let’s try again.
Jaxonpool Courthouse: a fact, not an opinion
Hardcorey and her prosecutorial team want to have a 110-foot bridge that will connect the upper floors of the new courthouse with her offices in another nearby building. This is so Hardcorey and the other prosecutors can wheel legal documents back and and forth. And also walk defendants back and forth. (I bet you’re against it because there’ll be fewer perp walks. Didn’t you journalists feast enough on Dominique Strauss-Kahn?) However, the real reason she wants to be elevated is so she can avoid the riffraff, like the supporters of Cristian Fernandez, not to mention the liberal maggots opposed to her charging a fetus with homicide (see blogs of Dec. 2nd, 2011, and Jan 7th, 2012). Such people can annoy a righteous prosecutor. And she is righteous. How righteous? So righteous she puts to shame that muppet of a man, her predecessor, Harry Shorstein.
You must have spent so much time at Disney World you now believe “It’s a small, small world,” so small that Angela Hardcorey doesn’t need an elevated walkway. But let me tell you something, buster! The distance separating Hardcorey’s office from her environs is analogous to that separating the moon from the earth. So she needs that bridge. To keep her connected. To something. Give Hardcorey all she needs, all she wants, whatever, because she’s the best prosecutor Jaxonpool has ever had. And that’s a fact. Not an opinion. Indisputable. Learn to tell the difference, my friend! If she feels she needs to be kept elevated so she can do her job, then let’s keep her elevated. As Mayor Alvin Brown has said once or twice, let’s take her to the next level. The more elevated, the better the job she will do. Higher and higher, I say! As high as the moon, if need be.
This elevated business goes to something I heard Newt say the other day when he was out at the University of Norflaland. If I heard him correctly, he said that, if he becomes president, he will develop a moon colony that someday will apply for statehood. This is the most visionary thing I have ever heard a politician say, hands down, anytime, anywhere, ever. Some small-minded people might call it lunacy and say he’s a lunatic. But that’s why I like him and want to see him become president: he thinks big. They say a president should have gravitas, but with Newt, we won’t just have that, we’ll also have grandiosity. Hail President Moonbeam!
Frank would be voting for Newt if he weren’t dead
And that’s where I see a connection between Newt and Angela Hardcorey. Who ever would have thought of charging a fetus with murder, or a 12-year-old boy, for that matter, but Angela did! She’s a pathbreaker, like Newt. And because of this vision thing, I see a grandiose future for her, perhaps as the first governor of the 51s state, the one on the moon. Perhaps this colony or state will be named Gingrichsylvania or Newtonia or Eye of Newt or Callistamania. Newt didn’t elaborate on whether this colony-cum-state would be situated on the dark side of the moon, but if so, Hardcorey would be particularly well suited for the job of governing a perpetually dark, inhospitable place. Milton, I think, wrote about a similar one.
I can see her now, deplaning to take on the job of governor of the 51st state
So I hope by now you understand the difference between an opinion and a fact. What I have are facts. What you have are mere opinions. The world is a crowded and confusing place on account of the cacophony of personal opinions, like yours. To remedy this, I want to see more facts: I want you to emulate my fact-based thinking. You’ll be happier than you are now. And, if you are lucky, you’ll be as happy as I am.
A great man, Mahatma Gandhi, once said, Be the change you want to see in the world. That applies to you. I am asking you to be the change I want to see. So please stop telling us what you think. Give everyone a break. Make the world better. Be quiet. Silence! Don’t make me come over there . . ..
August’s List: Recently published music videos, edited by Farinelli. Watch & listen