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MONDAY, 12/31/12, #68

@Jaxonpool _______

LB_red%22Dear%22I reject the social networking trend of re-tweeting scraps of trivial sarcasm.  Currently trending is #fiscalcliff.  This subject is one deserving the utmost seriousness.  The tweets about it should not be frivolous!  They should be meaningful!  They should be momentous!  They should have historical heft!  Not like this string of tweets:

Abusive tweets directed at Stella Creasy

 

However, as a well-trained skeptic, I know this term fiscal cliff means little to Jaxonpudlians.  Fiscal cliff is as inconceivable as it would be to them if Tim Tebow were to drop the F-bomb.  The fiscal cliff is unimaginable because they are topographically challenged.  They do not know what a cliff is.  They have never seen one.  They wouldn’t know one if it came charging at them.

Topographical map of the Poncedeleónsylvania

 

Jaxonpool after all is part of Deleónsylvania.  The whole state is little more than a sand bar extending into the Atlantic Ocean and the Gulf of Mexico.  The the highest point in the state is Walton County’s Britton Hill, elevation 345 feet.  For Deleónsylvanians, Britton Hill is the quintessence of sublime grandeur:

UnknownBritton Hill, at its peak.

Like Deleónsylvania, much of Jaxonpool is barely above sea level.  And it is flat.

800px-Large_Jacksonville_Landsat

 

Sections shaded green generally are 2′ higher than those shaded pink, which themselves are barely above sea level.

A city suffering Short Man’s Syndrome, Jaxonpool attaches words like Mount, Bluff, Hills, and Highlands to the names of its neighborhoods and streets to make them seem higher in altitude:

  • Atlantic Highlands
  • Murray Hill
  • Arlington Hills
  • Mount Herman
  • Cedar Hills
  • St. Johns Bluff
  • Mount Pleasant
  • Beacon Hills
  • The Hills

It’s a matter of building self esteem.

However, parts of Jaxonpool reject such pretentions.  Take Hidden Hills, for instance, where the hills truly are hidden.  Or San Marco, which every few months imitates its Venetian namesake, the Piazza San Marco:

s_v01_27233857

The acqua alta of Venice’s Piazza San Marco

However, the time has come for me to lift the veil of ignorance.  For those who have always lived in Jaxonpool and so remain unaware that land surfaces can vary dramatically, I will demonstrate the concept of cliff.  Grasping this concept should raise awareness about the weighty issues currently debated in the nation’s capital..

First, let’s look at the definitions of cliff, specifically, how the word has been used historically.  The Oxford English Dictionary is an etymological dictionary–it gives the history and evolution of a word’s usage through time.  The second of the two meanings for cliff is the most relevant: “A perpendicular face of rock on the seashore.”  The first time the term was employed in this sense appeared in an Old English translation of Andreas, a tenth-century poem featuring talking statues: “Hu gewearð þe þæs, wine leofesta, ðæt ðu sæbeorgas secan woldes, merestreama gemet, maðmum bedæled, ofer cald cleofu ceoles neosan?”

This latter example may be portentous.  Let’s keep it in mind!  Past is prologue: the past both helps explain the present and gives a glimpse of things to come.

Now, a pictorial demonstration.  Here’s what a cliff looks like..

Cliff_Face_by_Shobie_stock

 

My niece grew up in Jaxonpool.  She was five when she saw her first cliff.  Learning that the ground was not always level, she burst into tears.

In the same way that Jaxonpudlians post signs warning inland visitors about the ocean being dangerous, people living in places where there are cliffs put up signs warning Jaxonpudlians.  Jaxonpudlians who’ve never before seen a cliff need such warnings..

IMG_7929-1

Caution: cliffs can be dangerous.

However, as a general rule, one—especially if one is from Jaxonpool—should approach cliffs with great caution:

lemmings

 

One should not be reckless.

fall-off-cliff

 

Lemmings know no fear when it comes to cliffs.  Perhaps they know something we don’t?

6a00d83451bbfc69e200e54f1c2b8b8833-800wi

Lemmings going over cliff, wool

Now that I have explained cliff, you should be aware that our nation is about to go over a fiscal one.  Avoiding going over it has come down to just one individual.  The fate of the nation hangs in the balance:

U.S. House Speaker Boehner speaks to the media outside his office on Capitol Hill in Washington

Representing our side in the fiscal cliff negotiations: John Boehner—tanned, rested, and ready

So, my topographically challenged Jaxonpudlian friends, that’s what a cliff is.  Now you know.  Now you should be able to better picture a fiscal cliff.  So now, start tweeting.

What should a conservative tweet?   What could be more appropriate for describing the U.S. Congress in late December, 2012, than a line from an ancient poem featuring talking statues?  And what could be more conservative than to tweet in Old English?

Hu gewearð þe þæs, wine leofesta, ðæt ðu sæbeorgas secan woldes, merestreama gemet, maðmum bedæled, ofer cald cleofu ceoles neosan?

Now, there’s a tweet with meaning!  There’s a tweet that’s momentous!   There’s a tweet with historical heft!  There’s a tweet that’s a game changer!

So, TWEET!  Tweet it until it goes viral.

But there’s only 112 characters.  You’ve got 28 left.  Personalize it.  But keep it snark-free.  As I have.  And always do.

Sincerely,
Lemule Blogiver

_______________

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