4/27/12, No. 36

@Jaxonpool _______

violent_crawleyJacksonville News with Violent Crawley  –  “Drug test professors”: Two days ago Federal Judge Ursula Ungaro ruled unconstitutional Governor Rick Scott’s order requiring state workers be drug tested.  This puts the public at risk.  Testing is necessary in the case of college professors, who often operate heavy conceptual apparatus.  If they are on drugs, their dense theoretical systems may spin out of control, causing harm to themselves and their students, who will leave the classroom dazed, or, more likely, indifferent.

woman at the green board, math equation in chalk behind; she is pointing to E=MC squared

Read about the ruling: Rick Scott’s state worker drug tests ruled unconstitutional

English professors in particular must leverage opaque, often impenetrable textual material, especially those still toiling in the deconstructionist mode.  Such intellectual labor requires the equivalent of an industrial-duty hard hat, safety vest, steel-toed boots, and large earth-moving machinery.

women sitting in cab of earth moving machine, smiling down at the photographer; she is wearing a hard hat and red/yellow vest

English professor still working in the deconstructionist mode→

Sometimes leveraging a text is not the challenge, but lifting it.  Special critical equipment as tall as cranes must be trucked in and set up to hoist the weighty models found in the theoretical writings of Theodor Adorno, Deleuze and Guattari, Paul de Man, Julia Kristeva, Slavoj Žižek.

man in yellow hard hat operating heavy equipment

And as if this were not enough, then there is the students’ writing to deal with . . . .


←”There’s only one way to get these student papers clean, mister: LAVA!”

The problems are not confined to English.  Imagine if this mild-mannered law professor were on drugs?

John Houseman from the 1973 film THE PAPER CHASE

What would have happened if this music professor were on drugs?


Imagine this faculty on drugs?

professors from a Harry Potter film?

If only this professor had taken drugs while still teaching at the University of Chicago’s law school:

Professor Obama at the chalk board

(Nice blackboard-writing style)

This chemistry professor probably needed drugs, or at least some form of ‘medication’:

Jerry Lewis as "the Nutty Professor"

If this isn’t vindication of Gov. Scott’s policy to drug-text professors, I don’t know what is.  Chemistry professor Dr. Brainard in The Absent-Minded Professor was high on something:


Or this, the smoking gun: consider what Professor Digory Kirke had stashed at the back of his wardrobe!

Professor Digory Kirke of Narnia (The LIon, The Witch, and the Wardrobe)

Now all Florida professors have been saved from having to take a drug test. No longer are they staring at their careers through a cup:

urine-filled translucent cup in foreground, figure of a person is seen through the urine

However, now your children’s mental wellbeing is endangered.  Blame the liberal maggot activist judge Ursula Ungaro.  Your kids have been left in the un-drug-tested hands of people who look like this:

white-haired speckled man with book open, teaching math, equation on board behind

When your children come home from the university during break, and they are spouting strange ideas you not only never heard before, but also can’t even understand, blame the professors.  They were probably hallucinating when they were teaching, and your children took their words to be the truth.




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