THURSDAY, 4/24/12, Issue 38
Courthouse IKEA: It’s urgent that I weigh in. On April 20th/23rd, your paper’s reporter, Steve Patterson, wrote in a front-page story that Chief Circuit Judge Donald Moran would not certify the newly completed Duval County Courthouse to open until Mayor Alvin Brown freed up money for new furniture. Mayor Brown had said the old courthouse’s furniture is just fine.
Mayor Brown is the first member of the Party in Remission in 20 years to serve as Jaxonpool’s mayor. I understand his desire to not waste taxpayers’ money. However, I have a compromise that may satisfy both the judge and the mayor.
Before I moved to Jaxonpool, I used to work for IKEA. It turns out that IKEA was founded by a Nazi sympathizer, Ingvar Kamprad, who in the 1970s and 1980s used communist prisoners in Cuba and the former Eastern Bloc to manufacture IKEA goods: IKEA, Allegedly Founded By A Nazi-Sympathizer, Accused Of Using Communist Prison Camp Labor
Some people are upset about this. What’s the issue? Isn’t that just lowering costs? Isn’t it all about getting products to market in the cheapest possible way? That aside, I worked in an IKEA warehouse on the west coast, at least until the day I had a heart-to-heart talk with my supervisor about the shortcomings in his leadership style. Anyway, one thing I noticed while there was how inexpensive IKEA furniture is..
If Judge Moran believes the old courthouse furniture is too dilapidated to reuse, he and the other judges could rent a U-Haul and drive down to Orlando or up to Atlanta, where there are IKEA outlets, and stock up. The catalogue is online. Before leaving, they could make a list and show it to the mayor. Mayor Brown then would see that, by buying everything at IKEA, the taxpayers’ money was being frugally spent.
The only drawback to IKEA is that consumers often must assemble their purchases at home, or, in this case, at the courthouse.
However, judges usually are smart people. They probably can follow the directions. If they run into problems, they can signal that they need assistance:
The judges even could explore the possibility of buying some items that would make the courthouse interior unique (for a courthouse):
In my mind’s eye I can envision a chamber now, with the judge meeting with the defense and prosecution:
Assuming the judges have a good eye, and at least one is bound to have a queer one, they could make theirs some of the most cutting-edge judges’ chambers in the nation:
Of course, while IKEA can’t supply the security officers, Mayor Brown in all probability would spring for them:
These are just some thoughts I had. Hopefully, they will resolve the crisis. Will you please pass them along?
Hey! I had one more thought. If IKEA could use prison labor in Communist Cuba and the former Eastern Bloc to manufacture the goods, maybe Sheriff Rutherford could rustle up some prisoners from the county jail to assemble the furniture once the judges get back from Orlando with it. I don’t know if Judge Moran will know how to follow instructions.
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