SUNDAY, 1/7/12, issue 17
Fetus faces death: Deleónsylvania State Attorney Angela Hardcorey announced today that she is charging the fetus known as John/Jane Doe with sexual battery. This charge has been lodged in addition to the previous one of murder..
Moreover, Hardcorey’s office issued a new reconstruction of the events connected with the murder. Initially it was believed John/Jane Doe in the womb kicked its sibling to death, but a re-creation of the crime indicates that in all probably John/Jane Doe shoved its sibling against the wall of the womb, causing death and miscarriage.
John/Jane Doe is the youngest humanoid entity ever to be brought to account for a serious crime, or any crime, not just in Deleónsylvania, but anywhere on earth. Assistant State Attorney Mark Caliel said that, in the event the jury convicts, the term of incarceration will be for life in an adult prison. As a by-product of her indictment and prosecution, Hardcorey intends to show up our socialist European counterparts (who offer a cradle-to-grave social safety net) with the American free-enterprise alternative: cradle-to-grave incarceration.
The fetus’s defense attorney, Public Defender Matt Shirk, believes the additional charge of sexual battery has been brought to leverage cooperation regarding a plea deal to reduce the first-degree murder charge to second-degree murder. The public defender rejected that plea deal, thus precipitating the additional sexual-battery charge.
In the new charge, it is believed that in utero John/Jane Doe attempted to grope his/her sibling. The sibling refused the advances, thus bringing about the altercation that resulted in its murder.
Hardcorey at press conference in which she announced new sexual battery charges to be brought against John/Jane Doe..
“This was highly inappropriate behavior!’” said Hardcorey at a press conference. “This fetus made bad choices. We cannot allow the individual this fetus is going to become to grope again.” As was stated in a earlier news report of Dec. 2nd, Hardcorey uses the gender-neutral pronoun “it” because the alleged offender’s sex is yet to be determined.
Hardcorey is going for the death penalty. It is possible that a trial will be held and a verdict reached even before the fetus comes to term, in which case, if a guilty verdict is reached, an obstetrician/gynecologist will be authorized to perform a third-semester, or “partial-birth” abortion. If this is what occurs, this will be the first obstetrician/gynecologist to simultaneously serve as a state-designated executioner.
Many in northeast Deleónsylvania have criticized Hardcorey for bringing such a serious charge, or any charge at all, against a fetus. Said one critic: “To charge a fetus with a crime would be almost as absurd and barbaric as charging a 12-year-old child with first-degree murder, locking him up in an isolation cell for 23 hours a day, and sentencing him to an adult facility where he will become the booty trophy of a depraved inmate. Fortunately, not even Hardcorey would not do something that crazy.”.
One man on the street commented that “everyone knows that such criticism is ridiculous. For one thing, Hardcorey has not done something so looney. Only someone certifiably insane would charge a 12-year-old boy with first-degree murder. For another, everyone knows that prison officials and staff, especially those in Norflaland, run a tight ship and do not allow prisoners to become the sexual toys of other, stronger prisoners. It is an urban legend that scenarios such as the one depicted in this video actually take place: View here
As was stated in the Dec. 2nd news report: if only Angela Hardcorey had been around back when Cain slew Abel, the world ever since would be a better place. She would have come down hard on it, nipping the problem in the bud. Then there would be less murder today.
Once John/Jane Doe is born and Sheriff Rutherford transports the newborn from the delivery room to an adult detention facility, the other criminals there no doubt will treat it as if it were their own.
August’s List: Recently published music videos, edited by Farinelli. Watch & listen