MONDAY, 11/4/13, Issue 253
Your waste is not secure: Okay, what was it I was confused about? . . . Oh, YES, now I remember. Except that, actually, I wasn’t confused at all. Rather, I was clear headed with righteous anger. I was angry to the point I couldn’t think straight. And I mistook this not being able to think straight for confusion.
What caused me to not be able to think straight? It was the same thing that prompted me to sit down and write this letter to you. I couldn’t think straight because of the Marxist-socialist Democratic mayor’s government-issued garbage and recycling containers. When I am in such a state—overcome by indignation about governmental overreach—I go to my keyboard and start tapping out stream-of-consciousness prose reflecting my ideas in the exact order they come to me. Stream of consciousness is like tweeting your thoughts nano-second by nano-second, and without a filter.
For conveying ideas about defending liberty, this method is the best. I use it to communicate with you, dear editor, my elected representatives, and anyone else who will listen. People like my wife, Penelope. Except, she stopped listening. In fact, she moved out, and she took the dogs and guns with her.
Now, with my, well, my now ex-wife out of the house, I have more time than ever to devote myself to feeling righteous indignation about the government. In this spirit, I frequently weigh in on the great issues of the day. While it may be considered impolite to think around people who are unable to do so, I cannot help engaging in this activity. Frequently, I cannot help thinking with all the ferocity my mental processes can muster. Or that my mind can bare.
Which, by the way, while it occurs to me, let me remind you that I have a constitutionally guaranteed right to bare my thoughts. In the U.S. Constitution it says I do. I know, because I have committed this esteemed document to memory. That’s how much I revere it. I know it so well, I can quote it, and often do. The parts I like, that is. And it says in there that “The right of the people to keep and bare thoughts, shall not be infringed.” So, in the spirit of my guaranteed right, I am going to bare them. All of them. Right here. Now. In front of you. In all their glory. So, get ready. Brace yourself.
But, before I get started, let me say that courageous men and women shed blood so that I would be free to do this. In fact, because so many defenders of my freedom gave their lives, it’s now my obligation to bare my thoughts, so these brave men and women won’t have died in vain. Those who sacrificed their lives would want to read what I have to say, to find out what it was exactly they died for. But, since these patriots are no longer with us, they obviously are not able to read my words. Therefore, it would be unpatriotic of you not to read what I have to say, on their behalf. Not reading my words would be, in the words of one of the Founding Fathers, Steve Prefontaine, “to sacrifice the gift.” Therefore, it is incumbent upon you to read what I write. In fact, you will have to. Not reading them would be tantamount to betraying your country. Do you really mean to insult our fallen heroes? More seriously, not reading what I have written will raise the thought in people’s minds that you are a traitor. So, if you don’t want me or anyone else to question your loyalty, you had better keep reading. You must read to the end of this letter. Read if you believe in freedom, and if you don’t want any suspicion of aiding and abetting the enemy to settle upon you.
Here is my message:
Jaxonpudlians: beware of government-issued garbage and recycling containers! You can spot them by their COJ logos and, with regard to the recycling bins, the bright yellow lids. These nefarious devices did not appear until the city elected its first Marxist-socialist Democratic mayor, Alvin Brown. These seemingly benign trash cans are not only an arm of the mayor’s cult of personality, but also a means to consolidate power through intelligence gathering. The political humidity of this city renders most people too lethargic to spot, much less rise up against, such abusive government tyranny.
To be clear, the mayor has been inspired by Obama’s shenanigans with the N.S.A. Brown is violating the Bill of Rights by quartering garbage cans in people’s houses without the consent of the owners. People have a right to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures. However, every week Brown’s government seizes these bins’ contents and transports them to a metadata center, where inspectors conduct unreasonable searches.
These collection devices masquerading as garbage and recycling bins surveil the people. No warrants have been issued, and no courts have heard sworn testimony about probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation. With a Democrat in office, know your waste is being collected.
Let me close by saying that I never send one of these letters to you in the heat of the moment. Although I may be clear headed with righteous anger to the point of confusion, before I send them I have them peer-reviewed by a panel of experts. This panel is comprised of the writers of some of the most vitriolic letters ever sent to your paper. They almost rejected this particular one on the grounds that it contained insufficient TEA Party venom. However, at the last moment they approved it, on the condition that I insert the prefix “Marxist-socialist” before “Democratic.” They also reminded me to place a hyphen between the two words because the two are functioning adjectivally to modify Democratic. Inserting the words and hyphen was something I was more than willing to do. Except, I am a little confused. I don’t think Alvin looks at all like Groucho. Do you?
August’s List: Recently published music videos, edited by Farinelli. Watch & listen