1/11/14, No. 87

@Jaxonpool _______

violent_crawleyBipolar Vortex: After Jacksonville meteorologist Tim Deegan predicted temperatures in the 70s for the coming Saturday, it has been determined that the weather should seek the help of mental health professionals.


One local psychologist opined that for the weather to swing so radically within just a couple of days from record lows to the balmy 70s indicates severe mental instability. “It has become not so much a matter of predicting the weather as diagnosing it. Whenever I see this sort of lurching from one side of the spectrum to the other, and especially with mood swings from lows to highs and back again, I advise entrusting oneself to the care of a trained specialist.”


Climatologists explained that the reason for the extreme mood fluctuations could be traced to the polar vortex having split in two, becoming a bipolar vortex.

At one time the phenomenon was commonly known as a manic-depressive vortex. The DSM-5 now refers to the condition as bipolar vortex disorder.

Should the weather decide to ask for help, experts appeared uncertain as to what combination of medications to prescribe. Also, they could not agree on whether onset of the condition occurred because of lifestyle factors or was inevitable. Those blaming lifestyle suggested that the weather cut back on its diet of gasses produced from burning fossil fuels.


Whatever the cause, family and friends are watching helplessly as the bipolar vortex disorder progresses. Many wanted to intervene, to do something to aid an entity that was so close to them. However, before many could proceed, they seemed paralyzed in their decisions about what to wear.


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