4/26/14, No. 94
Counter-Intuition Ale: Because we take citizenship so seriously, there’s not an issue about which the Vince Foster Society doesn’t have an opinion. Last night the Society passed a resolution commending the Florida legislature for demonstrating extraordinary courage.
We applaud the legislature for its bold effort to shut down the state’s microbreweries.
Read about the legislature’s noble cause: Growler bill pits Florida microbreweries against big-money beer interests
Even in Jaxonpool the craft-beer industry has begun to build. Like the infamous “coffee shops” in Amsterdam, brew pubs draw an unusual crowd. People slink into places like Intuition, Aardwolf, Bold City, Green Room, Engine 15, and so forth to get hopped up on beers with weird colors and flavors. Soon they’re babbling a strange jargon about pale ales, brown ales, lagers, IPAs, porters, and stouts.
Brew pubs pose two dangers to our society. First, places like Intuition, Aardwolf, and Bold City will ruin the beer-drinking experience. They make the process too complicated. It’s too much for my simple soul. That’s why I want them to go away. In 2011 it was good enough to go into a bar and tell the bartender, “I’ll have a Bud.” Already that’s changing. Now you see that people have to study a menu before ordering.
And second, Intuition, Aardwolf, Bold City, and the rest are ruining the English language. Three years ago beer used to be a good serviceable word, but in the meantime it’s become vague. It’s becoming like the word snow for Eskimos. Eskimos don’t ever say “snow.” They have a vocabulary of at least fifty-two ways to say snow depending on the kind they mean. Do you really want to live in a world where there are fifty-two ways to say “beer”? There should be only one word to stand for the concept, and that should be BEER!
To topple this ever rising Tower of Beer Babel, the Florida Senate next Monday will vote on SB 1714, a bill heavily backed by the Florida Beer Wholesalers Association and one likely to halt creeping brewpubism. The bill already has passed out of the powerful Senate Rules Committee by a 9-4 vote.
Senator Aaron Bean (District 4) likely will vote in favor when the bill comes to senate floor because he has received a sizable contribution from the Florida Beer Wholesalers Association. [Aaron Bean in fact voted against the measure. John Thrasher voted in favor.] However, just in case he loses heart, I’m going to call his office in Tallahassee at 850-487-5004 and send him an email (Aaron Bean’s web page) to remind him how insidious is the danger of publicly sold handcrafted beers. When the bill becomes law, these nefarious microbreweries will find it impossible to make a profit and so will shut down or move to over states. And no new ones will replace them because the profit will have been taken out of the small beer industry.
So we of the Vince Foster Society say, “Hooray for the state legislature!” We thank its members for keeping the beer-drinking experience simple and for defending the English language.
In addition to nipping brew pubs in the bud, and replacing them with “Bud Lite,” the Vince Foster Society last night also took a stand with regard to what animal should represent the Florida legislature. We strongly believe the best one would be the gerbil.