Tweet me!

4/10/12, No. 31

@Jaxonpool _______

Tweet me! Perhaps you didn’t notice, but the Fuller Warren Bridge collapsed this morning at 5:12 am. Since you won’t report this news, I will have to. It is a terrible site and quite a mess. Who knows how many people died! If you won’t report this news, I will be forced to write a blog, and then someone who reads it will start Tweeting, and it will go viral. Don’t you want a piece of this action?

Fuller Warren Bridge collapse

Without the Fuller Warren, how are Jacksonvillians going to get to work? How are parents going to get their adolescents to Stanton? How are out-of-staters going to get Oxycontin at the pain clinic?

Fuller Warren Bridge collapse, alternative view

The Fuller Warren was such a pretty bridge. Pity, really, that it had to collapse.

Fuller Warren Bridge prior to its collapse this morning. So sad!

It is quite a coincidence that this bridge collapse occurred at the exact same hour and minute the San Francisco earthquake took place in 1906. That anniversary is coming up in just eight days! I always take the day off to celebrate.

I don’t know why you won’t report this news. Since the Times-Union organization occupies premium real estate on the banks of the St. Johns River, you should be able to see the terrible devastation from your building.

Obviously, since the Times-Union is abdicating its role as a news reporter, my blog—and the ensuing tweets it will generate—will have to take over. Stodgy news organizations such as yours are too slow because they feel they have to check out the truth of every niggling little fact. That model is SO 20th century! Blogs like mine are far more nimble, and Tweets are even more so.

As a news generator, I take my responsibilities seriously. I am not like that liberal-leaning 25-year-old blogger, Logan Smith, who was eager to make a name for his new web site, the Palmetto Public Record. But, despite his being a liberal, I admire him for the way he got his name out. Logan Smith has succeeded in making a name for his website and himself. Just in this letter I am writing to you now, his name is going to appear six times! Logan Smith is the one who wrote a blog March 29th announcing that South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley was facing indictment for parking her RV in violation of a city ordinance. Or was it tax fraud? Pedophilia? Sex with her dog? I don’t recall the details.

Anyway, after Logan Smith wrote his blog, the news went out on Twitter, and then it circulated all over the country. Twitter now is the first place to break news. Read more here: A Lie Races Across Twitter Before the Truth Can Boot Up

So, let me stress that I am reliable, unlike Logan Smith. People can trust me. Everyone who reads what I write should tweet my news. Don’t forget the hashtags. #FullerWarrendestroyed #thousandsdie

One last thing, before I close. Jacksonville has suffered another devastating crisis. A tornado has touched down. I have some unfortunate information to relate concerning the Wells Fargo Building, formerly known as the Modus Building, and the area surrounding it: