Might As Well Face It, You’re Addicted To Likes, from College Humor. Nov. 25.
I think outside the box. And sometimes I think so far outside the box, people say I’m crazy. But, what is crazy? That’s so subjective. This happened recently when I suggested a cheaper way for JaxPort to accommodate the very large cargo ships soon to be traveling through the widened Panama Canal.
When people heard my proposal to avoid dredging the St. Johns River, they said I was crazy. So I take my case to you, Mr. Editor. You decide: who’s crazy–them? or me? They said I didn’t understand the implications of climate change. They pointed to the low-lying atolls and coral islands in the Pacific where sea-level rise already is threatening to displace entire populations. They said the same thing will happen right here in Deleónsylvania, that in the next century or two almost all of the people living in our state will be displaced, that we will scatter to the winds. We’ll be like the Dustbowl Okies. Our people will become a Deleónsylvanian diaspora. But I ask you, WHO do you think is crazy, THEM? or ME? Consider this: I’ll be dead by the time that happens, and so will you. Only crazy people care about stuff that’s going to happen after they’re dead. I’m definitely not one of those people.
How’d I come up with this brainstorm about how to avoid dredging? To begin, I read a report (‘Ports Project’ Creator And JAXPORT Discuss Dredging) that says our port will need to accommodate bigger ships. The Jacksonville Port Authority is moving ahead with plans to dredge the St. Johns down to a depth of 47 feet. Currently, the shipping lane is only 40 feet deep. Estimates of the cost range from $750 million to $1 billion. Port officials, the Chamber of Commerce, Mayor Alvin Brown—they’re all for it. And the critics—they’re worried about the cost and the environmental damage.
But everyone’s missing the point. Why bother to dredge at all! There’s an easier way. It should be plain to anyone who watches this video why we don’t need to dredge. All we have to do is to let nature take its course.
Already the planet is warming up; the north and south pole ice caps are beginning to melt, and the sea levels are rising. There’s nothing we can do about it. Stuff happens. But we can make lemonade out of lemons. The only real problem with sea-level rise is that it’s happening too slowly. If people can’t wait to let nature take its course, we can hurry the process along, with a little nudge from humans.
Nuclear bombs detonated in the Arctic and Antarctic will speed up the process. A few blasts will thaw the ice caps just a little faster than they would have otherwise, and we’ll be good to go. We just shouldn’t melt too much of the ice cap at any one time. Just a little bit. Just enough. Enough to raise the St. Johns seven feet.
Trouble is, we can’t overdo it. We can’t miscalculate. We can’t speed up the process too much. We just need the oceans to rise seven feet—seven feet max in our lifetimes. We’ll have to “fine tune” the ocean level. Any more than seven feet and we just might have to flee the state, or at least the coastal areas. And then there very well could be a ‘Deleónsylvanian diaspora.’ Within our lifetimes. Millions displaced, including me. And then, I DEFINITELY WOULD CARE!
By now you no doubt understand that I’m a visionary genius who thinks outside the box. My visions can save taxpayers millions of dollars. As long as we do this thing right—just seven feet of sea-level rise and no more—we should be okay.
Now, Mr. Editor, you decide: who’s crazy–them? or me?
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August’s List, by Farinelli. Not so easy listening. Music videos published in the last two weeks. Alternative rock, Americana, cosmic, dance-pop, dream pop, electropunk, experimental, folk, indie, lo-fi, noise, post punk, nu-gaze, psyche pop, shoegaze, synthpop, trip hop, etc. Watch & listen
Smart Ass Cripple, by Mike Ervin. Expressing pain through sarcasm since 2010. Voted the World’s Biggest Smart Ass by J.D. Power and Associates. Read
Panned Review, by Jacob Lusk. Film reviews by a Jacksonville movie-reviewing fiend and English teacher. Read
Calvin’s Story, by Christy Shake. Epilepsy & beyond: a mother’s journal. A mother’s journal of the anguish, grief, joy, and triumph shared with her chronically ill son. Christy and Calvin live in Maine. Read
Maggie World, by Sally Coghlan McDonald. Normalizing the abnormal. A mother sharing her experiences raising my disabled daughter and navigating, advocating and dealing with the system. [Although Maggie passed away in 2014, her mother continues to write. She lives in San Francisco.] Read
On the Blink, by Emily Michael. Considering how my light is spent. Blog posts, music reviews, and published articles from a blind writer, musician, and UNF English instructor. Read