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THURSDAY, 8/8/13, Issue 171

@Jaxonpool _______

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Downtown Shipyards

Parthenon coming to Shipyards. Acknowledging the need to do something irrational, the city council last night approved funds for purchasing the Parthenon from Greece.  “Sometimes you have to be impractical to be practical,” said a city councilwoman who preferred to speak off record.  The funds will be used to disassemble the ancient ruin, ship it across the Atlantic, and reassemble it on the currently vacant downtown Shipyards property on E. Bay Street near EverBank Field.

The next item up for a council vote is the allocation of funds for the world’s largest scoreboard at EverBank Field.

After the vote last night, councilman Richard Clark was heard saying, “the last thing a tourist wants to see is something common sensical.  There won’t be any of that in our new tourist attraction.”

Ever since April 18, when the Business Journal ran an article querying the public concerning what to do with the scenic waterfront property, suggestions have been pouring in (Got an idea to activate Downtown’s Shipyards? The city wants to hear it).  The proposals overwhelming favored doing something wildly impractical.

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Gateway Arch

Councilwoman Lori Boyer is believed to have embraced the need to be illogical.  “In 1963, St. Louis began building the Gateway Arch.  The Arch made no sense.  For that city to do the same thing in today’s dollars would cost $94 million.  It was a boondoggle of spectacular proportions.”

La Sagrada Familila, Barcelona

La Sagrada Familia, Barcelona

“The attractions that set cities apart,” councilwoman Denise Lee is understood to have said, “are always outlandish, expensive, and unnecessary.  That’s why people want to see them.  La Sacrada Familia, the Transamerica Building, the Taj Mahal, the Eiffel Tower, the Space Needle, the Guggenheim in Bilbao, the Blue Mosque—not one of these was necessary, at least not on the scale they were built.”

“Take St. Peter’s Basilica,” Lee is thought to have continued.  “All the practical functions that take place there could be done in a warehouse.  Who really needs the statues and marble.  An empty Wallmart would do.  A roof over their heads to stay dry and a place to sit—that’s all they’d really need.  But who’d travel to see it?”

Parthenon

“Relocating the Parthenon to Jaxonpool is lunacy,” Mayor Alvin Brown is reported to have said.  “Utter and sheer lunacy.  And that’s why I support the project.  People will come to our city just to witness the insanity for themselves.”

The only dissenting council voice came from Clay Yarborough, who argued for a single-story strip mall to be built on the Shipyards site.  It would to be occupied by a nail salon, a bail bondsman, and a Denny’s.  “Obviously I’m the only adult in this room,” he said, referring to the city council chamber.

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Parthenon pillars

Greek authorities have agreed to complete the transaction, though they are reluctant.  About the pending sell off of the city’s most treasured asset, Athenians were seen weeping in the streets.  The Mediterranean nation’s Prime Minister Antonis Samaras is understood to have conceded that “beggars can’t be choosers.”

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The London Bridge, Lake Havasu City, Arizona

Initially, the council inquired into purchasing the London Bridge, but discovered that Lake Havasu City, AZ, beat them to it 45 years ago.

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August’s List, by Farinelli. Not so easy listening. Music videos published in the last two weeks. Alternative, Americana, cosmic, dance-pop, dream pop, electropunk, experimental, folk, indie, lo-fi, noise, post punk, nu-gaze, psyche pop, shoegaze, synthpop, trip hop, etc. Watch & listen

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