MONDAY, 7/15/13, Issue 147
Shahid Khan commits sports bigamy: Less than two years after buying the Jaguars, Shahid Khan expanded his sports footprint into Europe last Friday. For $200 million he purchased the London-based Fulham Football Club of the English Premier League. No one could deny it was a brazen act of sports bigamy.
Upon hearing the news, an anonymous city official said, “We’re shocked! No one at city hall—not myself, not the city council, and not Wayne Weaver—ever dreamed he would become interested in someone else.”
“We thought we were the only one,” Mayor Alvin Brown is reported to have said. “It’s a story we all think could never happen to us. Now, the question is, what do we do to keep the man we love? And the answer is: ANYTHING!” Usually incidents of bigamy are discovered accidentally: Bigamist busted: Alan O’Neill’s first wife discovers second wife when Facebook suggests her as possible friend
However, Khan’s bigamous act was announced at a press conference.
A pall now hangs over Jaxonpool as its citizens grasp that their city is not Khan’s only love. “How can we compete with London,” asked a city council member preferring not to be named, “even if it is just Fulham?” After the news broke, copies of The Bigamist: The True Story of a Husband’s Ultimate Betrayal started flying off Amazon’s warehouse shelves to Jaxonpool destinations.